![]() If it weren’t, you wouldn’t feel vulnerable, under threat, and needing to defend yourself against your partner. Also, because you’re feeling defensive, some part of your position is flawed. You will find some truth in what he or she is saying or wanting. ![]() What you do want to do is relax and just listen to your partner's point of view. In fact, you shouldn't, because that would mean an abdication of self, which leads to resentment and then usually blaming the other person. We're not saying you have to abandon what you're feeling or thinking. We know that may sound counter-intuitive, but it works. When you feel like you need to protect yourself from something your partner is saying or something your partner wants from you, then that's the time for you to relax your point of view and listen. One simple and effective way to practice listening is to relinquish your defenses. And the more you appreciate the other, the more you are connected to one another, making for a healthier relationship. Because the better you listen, the better you are appreciated. When you listen, truly listen, the rewards are immediate. You merely set it aside for the time you are listening so you can be available to what wants to be communicated. That doesn’t mean you have to abandon your point of view. The most important quality of listening is that you allow yourself to step aside and be mindful of the other’s experience. Therefore, there’s no need for many words because we hear and listen - body and being. In his book, Stranger in a Strange Land, Robert Heinlein coined the word “grok.” It’s pronounced GRAHK, and it means to understand something so well that you fully absorb it. One simple way to understand listening is to ask yourself, "what do I want from the other person when I want to be understood?" What we want most is to be appreciated – not just heard - and to feel like the other person gets us. It's no longer just about sound but about the thoughts, feelings, point of view, expectations, memories, sensations, beliefs - the whole of the other person - or at least as much of the whole as is available at the moment. Listening requires that we become open to the meaning of the other person's words, that we - in a very real way - enter into the experience those words are meant to convey. We nod, smile, perhaps even respond, but are we really listening? Hardly. ![]() Unfortunately, we don't always listen when someone else is speaking to us, or we only listen until we want to. I (Jim ) listened to the noisy rumble, understood what it was, and then paid no more attention to the noise. For example, a truck just rolled by on the road in front of our house. Listening involves taking hearing one step further as we try to pay attention and find meaning in what we hear. Our sense of hearing becomes activated when our eardrums pick up the sound waves that enter the atmosphere. Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Share on Whatsapp Email Page Print Page
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